Pseudo Reality

Samuel enjoying life despite living with diabetes.

As I sit and watch home videos from when “my boy”, Samuel, was a baby I can’t help but think of his life’s timeline of pre-diabetes and post-diabetes. I didn’t realize the video footage that was taken then would open my eyes today of something I’ve battled for years…a “pseudo reality”.

The day Samuel was diagnosed with diabetes I felt like something was robbed from him and our family. My 17 month old baby boy who was once perfectly whole and organic in the way he was created was now tainted. I grieved for years over this; I found myself in deep depression, plagued with anxiety attacks, and was suicidal…quite honestly I was lost in a pity party, and everything in life from that point forward was filtered through this state of mind.

As I watch my family’s life from years gone by on these videos, through all my laughter and tears, I realize that not as much was lost as I had thought, and that I had [allowed] even more to be taken because of my emotional state. I can think back and remember as I was filming my boy dance, sing, play, and giggle that all I saw was the diabetes, and wondered what life would bring to him. I could not see beyond that and see the happy boy who was right there in front of me, and life had great things to offer him and my life as a parent despite the diabetes.

Even though life brings pain we can choose whether we let ourselves be robbed of the things that are [untouchable]. Like our joy, peace, and love, our minds, attitudes, emotions, and behaviors…and in my case the sheer pleasure of watching “my boy” grow and enjoy life. There is a big difference between seeing with our eyes and seeing with our heart. At the end of the day it was my choice to see what I wanted to see. In the moment it seemed like that was all there was to see, but oh man was I ever wrong.

I love how Francesca Battistelli states it in the following lyrical quote:

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that’s getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I’m blessed

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10 thoughts on “Pseudo Reality

  1. i can relate to this Krista.. it was hard to keep my faith and joy and heart peace when my daughter was wanting to give up on life and a future..friends had failed me..I only had God to
    turn to and He restored my joy and peace in the midst of pain. love you girl!

    • Yes, life can get tough, and friends are good to have when we need them, but God is the only true constant we have. Glad to hear you are restored! I always tell myself in the middle of tough times, “look for God’s blessing today”! They’re always there if we look for them, and this brings hope and full assurance of faith.

  2. Oh Krista. This is lovely. You are seeing with your heart, and you are writing with it, too. I can often forget how “big I’m blessed,” too. But when we stand still a while, and live fully in our present-day moments, we see the biggest blessings in even the littlest things (even right in the middle of our messes!)…

    • Thanks for the sweet comment Jennifer!
      It is definitely a deliberate conscience effort to stop and see our blessings. Heart ache has taken the “want to” out of my heart many times, but I am so glad I am seeing the bigger picture. Thank God for home videos…I was so lost in despair, and it is cool to see that for myself.

  3. Amen, girlfriend! When Christina was first diagnosed, I remember her Dad saying “everyone deals with something”. Diabetes is just one small facet of the incredibly deep, rich, complex, and abundant life of our precious kids. ❤

  4. Krista, How awesome to see you in the new member feeds at THC! I love that you’re being so honest about the grief, depression and anxiety you felt after a devastating loss. I’ve been there–not about diabetes, but about other things. God is truly the strength and source of my life, and I couldn’t have crawled out of that pit without Him. Thanks for your transparency. I can’t wait to see your future posts! Let us know how we can help you grow your readership, okay? (I know you have a pro at your house–fistbump to the hubby!)

    • Thanks for coming by my blog Dena. I am super excited to start blogging! I didn’t think I would really enjoy it, but now I’m hooked. Dan let me read your story from last year’s writer retreat, and I felt like you were reading my newspaper in a lot of ways. I guess when you deal with loss, depression, and anxiety the side affects are pretty similar regardless of the circumstance that put it in motion. I am so grateful for God’s saving grace, and faithfulness to me through that season.

      I will let you know if I need any help in my blogging, and yes you have it right that I have a great support already with Dan. He has taught me alot already…I just tell him what I want and he blinks, and it’s done. I get to just do the writing. 🙂

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