As I sit and watch home videos from when “my boy”, Samuel, was a baby I can’t help but think of his life’s timeline of pre-diabetes and post-diabetes. I didn’t realize the video footage that was taken then would open my eyes today of something I’ve battled for years…a “pseudo reality”.
The day Samuel was diagnosed with diabetes I felt like something was robbed from him and our family. My 17 month old baby boy who was once perfectly whole and organic in the way he was created was now tainted. I grieved for years over this; I found myself in deep depression, plagued with anxiety attacks, and was suicidal…quite honestly I was lost in a pity party, and everything in life from that point forward was filtered through this state of mind.
As I watch my family’s life from years gone by on these videos, through all my laughter and tears, I realize that not as much was lost as I had thought, and that I had [allowed] even more to be taken because of my emotional state. I can think back and remember as I was filming my boy dance, sing, play, and giggle that all I saw was the diabetes, and wondered what life would bring to him. I could not see beyond that and see the happy boy who was right there in front of me, and life had great things to offer him and my life as a parent despite the diabetes.
Even though life brings pain we can choose whether we let ourselves be robbed of the things that are [untouchable]. Like our joy, peace, and love, our minds, attitudes, emotions, and behaviors…and in my case the sheer pleasure of watching “my boy” grow and enjoy life. There is a big difference between seeing with our eyes and seeing with our heart. At the end of the day it was my choice to see what I wanted to see. In the moment it seemed like that was all there was to see, but oh man was I ever wrong.
I love how Francesca Battistelli states it in the following lyrical quote:
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that’s getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I’m blessed