i rock…

I close my eyes to take in every moment there is to behold in the darkness of the room.

As I rock my sweet Lovie to sleep I pull her chubby fingers to my lips to feel the smoothness of her skin. I find myself trying to embrace this intimate moment in the deepest part of me so that I can stuff it way deep into my memory so I will never forget the smooth touch of her skin, and this genuine contentment I have while holding her close. I feel her fingers flex and squeeze mine as if it’s her last bit of energy she can muster to fight her inevitable sleep. I chuckle with a sentimental tear (I admit I am a mushy gushy sap).

Rock, rock, rock…I continue to rock her slowly and sweetly to sleep, and begin to reflect on the day we had together. It started rough with the fussing that comes with the pain of new teeth coming in, but then I begin to smile in the still darkness of her room as I see in my mind’s eye that glittery sparkle she gets in her eye and that grin that stretches ear to ear with her mouth wide open as she giggles with a scream as she expresses her excitement to see her mommy coming to shower her with kisses.

Continuing on in my reflection, I chuckle at the sound of each “mmm” she hums with her satisfaction of each bite of her dinner. I ponder her amusement with her older brother, and the squeals of joy that burst from her belly when he comes to play.

Despite my own tired eyes, I rock and I smile longing for this moment to linger on.

Now resting on my shoulder, as she nods off to sleep with quick shallow breaths, I squeeze her tightly whispering my love to her. I then take a deep breath as I let go of this cherished moment and I lay her to bed. I leave the room praying I will never forget this moment. Sleep well my Lovie.

I am so blessed! Thank you God for blessing me with such a sweet Lovie!

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letters to Chloe

Dear Chloe,

Today you are 3 months old. You are growing and blossoming right before my eyes. When you smile you make my heart melt with such love and joy for you. Your giggle is so perfect, and makes me want to giggle too. You have a sparkle in your eye that leads me to believe that you truly are happy and you can feel the love that’s all around you.

Daddy, Samuel and I just can’t get enough of you. You fill all our hearts with joy! Your big brother has a constant watch on you, and will always come to your rescue. He talks so sweet to you, plays with you, and even makes your bottle and feeds you. He always makes sure you get your bedtime hugs and kisses, and “I love you’s”…more than once. You have a super sweet big brother who I know will always be there for you.

Here are a few things we can remember about you at 3 months:

  • You weighed 12 lbs. 13 oz. at your 10 week check-up
  • Your eyes are pretty blue now
  • You giggle more
  • You have begun to babble and coo…so cute!
  • You can grab some smaller toys and stuffed animals (Han, Ellen, Leah Lamb, and Winks are your favorite…which you helped name)
  • Bath time has become your favorite. You kick and splash a lot, and you giggle and scream when water gets drizzled over your head. The anticipation in your eye is quite hysterical, and your breathing gets fast when you know it’s coming
  • You sleep 9-11 hours through the night (most nights) and you always wake up happy. (I am grateful for another morning person in the family)
  • You like to go to Summer’s house to play
  • You can see things from across the room (like your big brother playing)
  • You are beginning to find your thumb by sucking on your hand…just can’t quite get your little thumb in your mouth
  • Daddy is still the one to make you laugh the most
  • The TV has caught your eye, and Mickey Mouse is becoming your friend
  • You can hold your head up pretty good and you try to pull yourself up when you are laying in my arms
  • You are starting to snuggle with your snuggie
  • You are showing signs that you will roll over soon
  • You still don’t like your car seat
  • You have started to cry at strangers (usually when you’re tired)
  • Oh, and you got your first pair of Gap jeans!

what (harmless!) little lies do you tell your kids?

My sister-in-law, Michele, and I were reading an article in the Redbook magazine,”What (Harmless!) Little Lies Do You Tell Your Kids”, and came across one that just made us have to laugh. One mom wrote in and said, “my kids think that the ice cream truck only plays music when it’s out of ice cream.” Laugh Out Loud Funny!

This makes me curious of what harmless little lies do you tell your kids?

I’ll share one of mine first. I have always told Samuel if he eats his boogers he’ll grow worms in his stomach. We have never had a problem with him picking his nose or eating those nasty little things. Thanks God!

I know, mine is pretty gross!

So now it’s your turn…what’s your harmless little lie?

Pseudo Reality

Samuel enjoying life despite living with diabetes.

As I sit and watch home videos from when “my boy”, Samuel, was a baby I can’t help but think of his life’s timeline of pre-diabetes and post-diabetes. I didn’t realize the video footage that was taken then would open my eyes today of something I’ve battled for years…a “pseudo reality”.

The day Samuel was diagnosed with diabetes I felt like something was robbed from him and our family. My 17 month old baby boy who was once perfectly whole and organic in the way he was created was now tainted. I grieved for years over this; I found myself in deep depression, plagued with anxiety attacks, and was suicidal…quite honestly I was lost in a pity party, and everything in life from that point forward was filtered through this state of mind.

As I watch my family’s life from years gone by on these videos, through all my laughter and tears, I realize that not as much was lost as I had thought, and that I had [allowed] even more to be taken because of my emotional state. I can think back and remember as I was filming my boy dance, sing, play, and giggle that all I saw was the diabetes, and wondered what life would bring to him. I could not see beyond that and see the happy boy who was right there in front of me, and life had great things to offer him and my life as a parent despite the diabetes.

Even though life brings pain we can choose whether we let ourselves be robbed of the things that are [untouchable]. Like our joy, peace, and love, our minds, attitudes, emotions, and behaviors…and in my case the sheer pleasure of watching “my boy” grow and enjoy life. There is a big difference between seeing with our eyes and seeing with our heart. At the end of the day it was my choice to see what I wanted to see. In the moment it seemed like that was all there was to see, but oh man was I ever wrong.

I love how Francesca Battistelli states it in the following lyrical quote:

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that’s getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I’m blessed

I AM mom

It amazes me of how much power I have as a mom. I feel like I should have a superhero cape that says, “I AM mom”!

It can be a rotten day around here, gloomy outside, and boredom just around the corner looking to land in our home. Let’s admit it life is not always pretty, and some days it can look pretty yucky. But I am a mom! I have the power and the ability to make any day a bright and happy day if I choose to put on my superhero, “I AM mom” cape and fly. I can change our home’s atmosphere in just a few seconds flat.

This is a huge responsibility, and most definitely not for the faint of heart. My children look to me as a gauge on how I will handle difficult times in life, and I must always be ready to put on that cape and show them how it’s done. As a matter of fact, I think I’ll just sleep in it too.

I want to go down in history as a mom who could always make any day good…regardless. A daily challenge, but one that I must achieve.

I would like to thank the one and only great I AM for equipping me with everything I need to be the mom I am today.